No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
