I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
