Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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