I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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