This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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