so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
