I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
