Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
