At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
