I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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