hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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