I will die if light touches me.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
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He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
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Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
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