I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
