the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
