I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
