This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
