There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
