and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
