His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
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So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
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I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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