I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
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