My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
