I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
