He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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