it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
