He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I think people are normalizing furries
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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