dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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