May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
