You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
