I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
