My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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