the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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