sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
