I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
