Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
