we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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