advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize