Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
is that a dick in a sweater?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
