evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
