my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
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We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
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