see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
