Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Randomize
