Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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