Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He? As in you personified your dick?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
