If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Randomize
