i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
