Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Me. At least after what I've been through.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
