It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
