I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
