i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
