Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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