do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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