i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
