Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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