I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
