he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
