Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
