my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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