It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
and you fell through a lawn chair
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
